Some Office Stuff

Jim: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Well, I’m not done yet.
Jim: Dwight. This fits in the palm of my hand. You haven’t blown ‘em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet
Jim: What is that? It is your birthday period.
Dwight: It’s a statement of fact.
Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight: This is more professional. It’s not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim: I can’t believe how bad this looks.

Dwight: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it’s very exciting.

Dwight: For your convenience, I’ve broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.

Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.

Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.

Dwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.

Dwight: [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it’s fine for the time being. Oops. Break’s over.

Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam: It’s a nice tux.
Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Roy: So, what’s the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That’s lame.
Pam: Come on, it’ll be fun, and besides, I’m a roulette expert.
Dwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight: [laughs] You can’t be serious. Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight: I don’t believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight: [scoffs] That’s ridiculous. You know what? Uh… Why don’t you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I’ll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene]
Dwight: Oh, my God.

Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday… for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Ok, tell him that’s not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy: You guys…
Dwight: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim: [half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that’s too far.
Dwight: Damn you.

Dwight: The Shrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren’t enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [Laughs] They didn’t eat the children. It never came to that.

Dwight: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Dwight: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin’s suicide?
Ryan: Depression?
Dwight: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?

Jim: Not much what’s up with you?
Pam: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God.
Michael: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where’s the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?
Michael: What’s up-dog?
Jim: Nothin’ much what’s up with you?
Michael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that’s brilliant!

Michael: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?
Stanley: I’m on the phone.

Michael: Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?
Ryan: What’s that?
Michael: I don’t know, nothin’, what’s up with you?
Ryan: Huh?
Michael: [low] No, damn it!

Kevin: What does that mean?
Michael: What does what mean?
Kevin: The thing you just said?
Michael: Just forget it.

Michael: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Dwight: What’s up-dog?
Michael: Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin’ how ya doing?
Dwight: Good. How are you doing?
Jim: [mouthing] So close.
Michael: [low] Damn it.

Michael: That’s what she said!
Dwight: Ha! I don’t get it.
Michael: Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Dwight: Well, it’s not really a big speech. You still coming right?
Michael: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um… And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.

Jim: [answering phone] Jim Halpert.
Dwight: Let me out.
Jim: Who is this?
Dwight: Let me out or you’re fired.
Jim: No, you can’t fire me.
Dwight: Yes I can. I’m manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim: OK, can you hold on? I’m getting the, ah, beep. [presses button on phone] Jim Halpert.
Pam: [on phone] Hey, Jim. It’s Pam.
Jim: Hey Pam! How are you?
Dwight: Jim! Open the door!
Pam: Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim: I’m doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: Um, I’m not bothering you, am I?
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: You don’t have anything you’re doing?
Jim: I have nothing to do.
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I’m not really doing anything.
Dwight: Jim!
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: I might go to the mall.
Jim: The mall?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: I need new shoes.
Jim: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?