Some Office Stuff

Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: Oh, nothing.
Jim: “Till Death Do Us Rock.”
Pam: They’re wedding bands.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he’s concentrating more on the bachelor party now.
Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don’t hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they’re all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.
Pam: There’s a KISS cover band in here.
Jim: Let’s do it.

Pam: I’m pretty happy these days. I’m getting married soon and I’m getting along with everybody at work.

Jim: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Well, I’m not done yet.
Jim: Dwight. This fits in the palm of my hand. You haven’t blown ‘em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet
Jim: What is that? It is your birthday period.
Dwight: It’s a statement of fact.
Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight: This is more professional. It’s not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim: I can’t believe how bad this looks.

Jim: You know, you don’t have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know.
Pam: No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot]
Jim: But ..
Pam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so ..
Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.
Pam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture!
Pam: Oh, my God! It’s incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer?
Jim: I didn’t think you were going to get that one. I really didn’t.

Michael: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out… we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include ‘That’s What She Said’?
Michael: Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard… You really think you can go all day long?… Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so…
Michael: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan: Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael: [laughing] Come on.
Jan: Michael, please.
Todd Packer: There he is.
Michael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]
Todd Packer: There he is. Good one.

Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Jim: Ohh…
Pam: Maybe more.
Jim: Eck!… Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it’s Friday. So, keep that goin’.
Pam: Oh, yay!

Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We’re gonna…
Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since it’s… You know, there’s gambling and alcohol, and it’s in our dangerous warehouse and it’s a school night… And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not… that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn’t exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That’s a dog.
Pam: No, that’s Afghan.
Michael: That’s a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Requested by soulexplosion.

Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam: It’s a nice tux.
Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Roy: So, what’s the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That’s lame.
Pam: Come on, it’ll be fun, and besides, I’m a roulette expert.
Dwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight: [laughs] You can’t be serious. Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight: I don’t believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight: [scoffs] That’s ridiculous. You know what? Uh… Why don’t you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I’ll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene]
Dwight: Oh, my God.

Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday… for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Ok, tell him that’s not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy: You guys…
Dwight: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim: [half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that’s too far.
Dwight: Damn you.

Jim: You’ll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.
Pam: Oh okay.
Michael: Well you don’t need two of you to do that.
Jim: That’s true. Um… dinner sounded delicious. Pam I’ll see you at home, thank you so much.
Pam: Oh Jim, I don’t think you’re going to abandon this party here all by itself.
Jim: I don’t know because everything I own is there.
Pam: You can buy new stuff but you can’t buy a new party.
Michael: That’s true, that’s a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.