Michael: Push. Good! That’s great. You got it. [Kevin’s phone rings] Excuse me.
Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative.
Michael: Oh… God… [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We’re gonna beat this, okay? We’re gonna… come here [hugs Kevin].
Michael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would… be… chaos.
Holly: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Darryl: Mike you’ll drive this every weekend?
Michael: We’re gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we’ll just meet in the middle. It’ll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Michael and Holly: Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.
Michael, Holly, and Darryl: If you’re going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you’re going my way…
Michael: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out… we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include ‘That’s What She Said’?
Michael: Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard… You really think you can go all day long?… Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so…
Michael: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan: Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael: [laughing] Come on.
Jan: Michael, please.
Todd Packer: There he is.
Michael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]
Todd Packer: There he is. Good one.
Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We’re gonna…
Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since it’s… You know, there’s gambling and alcohol, and it’s in our dangerous warehouse and it’s a school night… And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not… that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn’t exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Michael: That’s a dog.
Pam: No, that’s Afghan.
Michael: That’s a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
Requested by soulexplosion.
Jim: You’ll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.
Pam: Oh okay.
Michael: Well you don’t need two of you to do that.
Jim: That’s true. Um… dinner sounded delicious. Pam I’ll see you at home, thank you so much.
Pam: Oh Jim, I don’t think you’re going to abandon this party here all by itself.
Jim: I don’t know because everything I own is there.
Pam: You can buy new stuff but you can’t buy a new party.
Michael: That’s true, that’s a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.
Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where… you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don’t know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I’ll know for sure.
The Many Faces of Michael Scott, season 2 (one cap per episode)
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Michael Scott, season 1 (one cap per episode)
Michael: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that’s so rude. I’m sorry, I can’t control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael’s new friend.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Oh, that is gross.
Pam: Who is ‘Long Tim’?
Michael: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh well, ‘Yoy’ should bring in ‘Long Tim’ in one day. Shouldn’t he?
Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah. Right?
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey.